Thunderstruck.

Have you ever loved a man like I love him?

2011-10-03T09:02:00.000-07:00

Oh Sophia, Sophia

I do not need anyone. I will not need anyone. This world is a giant trap, the manifestation of my eternity of slumber. A nightmare from which I cannot wake. The failings of my soul. This is me, awkward, impotent me grinning at the stars as they shine so bright.

Shine brightly in the night sky for those whimsical fairies that tread along lightly and freely among the social interactions just as if they were born to do so. The way they were born to do so.

I don't need anyone. You wait.
One day, those stars will shine for me.

Don't, don't you want me

2011-09-25T07:16:00.000-07:00

Please let there be fate. Please let it be true.
Cause I don't think I can bear this anymore, and I need to know that if it ends now, it'll be because of something greater, that things are the way they are cause that's how they were meant to be and not because I wasn't good enough.

Sure, I'm a weakling. Sure, I crumble like dust at the slightest touch of despair.
But I've never said I was strong, or if I had, I'm done trying.

I've just missed you, so so so much.

(but even i can tell now it was nothing special)
I'm a deluded fool.

Oh my, but baby I'm trying

2011-08-15T08:16:00.000-07:00

Hi I want to be pretty like Dianna Agron.
I want to feel so whimsical and pure all the time.
But we can't, can we? We can't. Cause we live in a world.

You know what they say
Those dreams never last
So pull your socks up and keep your chin down girl
Down with those books and down in the dirt
Those dreams are too colourful for your deep dull dreary life
Accept the passions and remember the words
'Cause they'll be haunting you for years to come.

Those big fats Bs and Cs and Us
Makes you wonder where they leave you
You want the wind to keep blowing in your face
Like you're the only one left in the world
Like the world's only left with you
Like you take centerstage
Like you're in the spotlight

Foolish girl
Hide your dreams
They do you no good in this climate
Foolish girl
Conceal your fears
They'll only press on their advantage
Foolish girl
Keep your hopes
Their light will be crushed by all who know

Foolish girl,
Hide your heart
It'll be the last thing they see
Before it starts.

Every Teardrop's a Waterfall (the Boyce Avenue one)

2011-08-15T08:04:00.000-07:00

I think I'm a sad, sad person.
I do want to be happy though. I mean, I'm only human right? I want to be happy too.
The problem is,
I don't know how.

I know you're not a fool;

2011-08-05T03:57:00.000-07:00

Like a junk sale in the backyard of Mephistopheles,
I barter my eternal soul and languid moments
For that pretty A level report card.

Oh Mephistopheles!
Do be so kind.
Listen to the petition of the unholy one,
I redeem my credit of years of waste,
of vice indulgence and hidden agendas
for your aid in this one pursuit.
For that beauty, for a crime
For Society's perception of what's divine.

I'll never talk again

2011-06-03T11:01:00.000-07:00

I would love to write, to blog for nothing more than myself and maybe my imagined audience of more than one.
But somehow, all my blogging attempts inevitably descend from their initial starting point of airing out my thoughts into posts of indescribable stupidity, drunken wailings and self-serving, self-piteous works of would-be pseudo art masquerading as poetry.

Because we all think of ourselves as astute, right.
We all think we are the only ones who notice, the most cynical, the most bitter and jaded. We think we're above all else. But to everyone else, we're just douches sitting atop our self-constructed throne of flimsy paper, one puff and down we tumble.

So therein begs the question:
Are we enough?
Are our own thoughts and opinions of us enough for us,
or do we live serving the ideals and expectations of others?

Can the lonely take the place of you?

2011-05-21T10:52:00.000-07:00

Dancing slowly in an empty room

This is why I never let anything in.
This is why I never wanted to try.
This is why... heavens, this is enough.

Do you know? Do you know what it's like to never be good enough?
Do you know? Do you know how it's like to put everything you have into something and never get it back?

Oh gods who designed glee, oh gods in general or truth. Oh gods.
The feeling of being tethered to something broken away. tethered to something already gone.

is this what i get? is this what i deserve?

It's the end now. And I'm crying in a room, alone, amidst rubbish, amidst junk, amidst mess i will have to clean up, surrounded by work i have to do, and i have nothing left to show for my life.

No longer.
I am. I have nothing. No school results, no deep dark friendships, no long curly hair, no beauty, no post, no shit.

no more. after half the heart i'd put in, and the other half you stole.

dancing slowly in an empty room.
dancing lonely in an empty room.

can the lonely take the place of you?

i'm just the ghost of a girl that i want to be most.

Tomorrow, is a different day

2011-05-03T07:30:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, I will attempt the impossible.
Tomorrow, I will finally heed my mum and clean up my room.
Tomorrow, I will sort out my overflowing closet - the to-be-solds, the basics, the dressy, the keepers.
Tomorrow, I will upload the long overdue photos from Priscilla's birthday.
Tomorrow, I will figure out how to work my camera.

Tomorrow, I will stay awake in lectures, tutorials, and take my notes.
Tomorrow, I will be compliant and attentive, participative in class.
Tomorrow, I will censor the songs on my iPod so I don't start the day with a dozen F-words blaring in my head.
Tomorrow, I will look contrite when yet another teacher wrongly accuses me of altering my skirt.

Tomorrow, I will run a mile (1.6km, back to primary school days huh).
Tomorrow, I will eat the salmon sandwiches I pack in a brown paper bag with my apple juice and cookies.
Tomorrow, I will not be seduced by the delicious scents in the canteen.
Tomorrow, I will do a hundred sit ups.

Tomorrow, I will be attentive in debate. I will take down the points, not laugh, joke, smile or snarkle.
Tomorrow, I will push asides the feelings of inadequacy and listen.
Tomorrow, I will not question how I will ever get there and simply try to understand.
Tomorrow, I will try my hardest to improve.

Tomorrow, I will wake up in the morning, and feel like p diddy.
Tomorrow, I will not curse the world and lament my fate of being in college.
Tomorrow, I will have breakfast because it's healthy.
Tomorrow, I will be early for Mel's ride.

Tomorrow, I will start writing again. The books, the pens, the staggered, awkward lines. The meanings.
Tomorrow, I will begin to reminisce again. The joy, the laughter, the pain, the memories.
Tomorrow, I will be inspired.
Tomorrow, I will remember.
Tomorrow, I will... forget.

Tomorrow...

I won't let you close enough to hurt me;

2011-04-23T11:52:00.000-07:00

At times we sit alone, wanting, hoping, to be inspired.
We pace those empty streets and hope for the moment that something (anything) will come along to fill the void/
But nothing ever fills it. Nothing ever will.
Because you're already gone.

Living life in peace,

2011-04-12T10:11:00.001-07:00

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn’t understand the assignment.
I told them they didn’t understand life."
— John Lennon

For the first time,

2011-04-12T01:19:00.001-07:00

The world is full of boring people. Stupid people, useless people, people who think they're the best. Emotional people, annoying people, disgusting people.

But the worst of these are the boring people.

Love melts with a sugar cube;

2011-03-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

I need to start saving.
Need to start feeding the bank accounts, taking responsibility for results - and other such grown up things they say will be fun when you learn to appreciate it.
I will watch the number on the DBS screen rise and rise, and deep inside I know that my so-called self worth will rise with it.

Work, play, eat, save, run, worth.

I am intrinsically bound to superficial things.

Need to stop buying makeup and clothes and rubbish. Grow, money, grow for me.